1.07.2014

The Fall Story

Sunglasses: Brit's, Top: Rachel's, Shorts: c/o Gypsy Warrior
Photos taken by Brit (months ago)

I've written and re-written this first-blog-post-after-months-of-not-posting almost a dozen times now. How tragically optimistic my last post was, excited about my new venture yet completely blind of the shit-storm that was yet to come. Every time I thought about how I was going to write this, I schemed about crafting some cunning and witty, yet subtle slander about my twat ex-boss whom I chose to sacrifice way too much for, and top it off with a heavy dose of lamenting about all other unfortunate events that took place simultaneously. If only I could publicly whine about my life to induce some invited clemency, THEN I would feel better. But I haven't been able to shake the idea that my desire for worthless pity was not going to fix fucking anything. The choices I made were mine as well as the difficulties that went with them. And here is what happened.

Since last September, I:
  • Did not get married when I was supposed to
  • Moved to LA without a solid place to live
  • Ignored my first impressions and took a job
  • Acquired eight parking tickets
  • Drove while I was distracted and got in two car accidents
  • Didn't eat when I was hungry
  • Didn't sleep when I was tired
  • Let myself be treated like dog shit and all I did was cry + work harder
These choices cost me things I couldn't afford. Letting go of my blog was of course the least of which. I avoided talking to people I cared about, lost an ungodly amount of weight, completely let go of the things that made me happy and most of all, I doubted my own capability and intelligence by letting the (now obvious) malice of others drip into my conscience. My willful servitude permitted me to make excuses for people who didn't deserve it, and because of that, my reliable anxiety hit all-time highs. It was the actual most amount of non-fun I've ever had.

And all of it was self-induced; only worthy of inner mercy. I quit that piece-of-shit-ass job, forgave and moved on, but I haven't completely been able to let go of my fantasy of how I will perfectly deliver a flawless greeting when I run into them someday. If you asked me whether or not I would do things differently given a second chance, fuck yeah I would. But I somehow still don't regret it. Masochism isn't my typical avenue of choice and I guess I needed to give it a go to reconfirm the fact that oh yeah, this actually does smell like farts and yup I really don't like it.

It can't go without saying that without the help of many of those close to me (you know who you are), I might not have had a place to sleep many nights or a sane set of ears to help me through the worst of it. When shit gets rough, you'll quickly find out who your real dawgs are.

It's been some time now since that all happened but it didn't feel natural to be left untold. I've got just as much shit-talking about 2013 as the next person, but now all I can say is that those dawgs of mine and I are about to launch something way more awesome than anything I've ever done. Check out @backbite_ on Instagram and hold your breath...

10 comments:

  1. wow, i did wonder what happened to you. that's a lot of shit to all come flying down all at once, sorry man. :( Anyway, great that you are feeling better and 2014 will be better - surely?
    www.fashionpho.com

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  2. Obviously this goes without saying, but I FUCKING LOVE YOU TO THE MOON AND BACK. And then after we come back from the moon, I love you to the center of the earth, through the creepiest caves and desertiest deserts. Call DMX i'm your dawg for life.

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  3. SUPER LOVE THE OUTFIT :)
    love reading your blog, It's very refreshing and genuine and I really appreciate that :)
    anyway, would you like to follow each other?

    SOMETHING REAL SERIOUS

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  4. Glad you lived it, learned and got through all that. No regrets. Such is life. You have the right people around you and yes I am holding my breath because all of you are amazing, smart, talented, beautiful women and I cannot wait to see what you do all together. Your IG photos do not disappoint so I can only imagine what's to come! Best of luck to you.
    Con mucho Amor xo

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  5. BB girl you're pretty much one of the most amazing people I've never met so I'm glad your back & things are getting better. But that's because you're a strong badass bitch. Also, please don't ever leave the internet ever again because I need to see your pretty pictures often. K, thanks. <333

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  6. i'm so glad that you're back.
    i'm sorry for all the shit happened to you but don't worry: 2013 was pretty terrible also to me.
    so we can start a brand new chapter now
    stay strong and beautiful as usual!
    xo

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  7. You look so pretty!!! Nice blog!! would you like to follow each other with GFC and Bloglovin?
    Besos, desde España, Marcela♥

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  8. this outfit gorgeous!
    I am so glad things are going for you now! have a happy and prosperous new year, you deserve it!

    http://www.freelancedaydreamerfashion.com/2014/01/pastel-winter.html

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  9. Great outfit!
    Loving those shorts!

    Giveaway <3 SHE WALKS Blog

    ReplyDelete