8.12.2013

On Relationships

 Beanie: Thrifted, Sunglasses: Captain's Helm, Shirt: c/o Choies, Bralette: Urban Outfitters, Belt and Shorts: Vintage

I'm surrounded by the most enchanting women humanly possible. These women are HIGHLY above average in their intelligence, their wit, their success, their kindness and their beauty. Perhaps it's the lingering after-effects of idiot Mercury's retrograde extravaganza, but nearly all of these women are currently paralyzed in heartache by the bullshit associated with dating and relationships. I know this heartache like the back of my hand (- which may shed some light on my "season of change" posts recently). It's the looping mental torment that bleeds your eyes dry. The constant self-doubt and questioning that shoves you back into the dark empty corners of your mind that has grown deeper and more dreaded than your last visit. And it's the pangs of anxiety that don't let you eat, sleep and sometimes....breathe. Nobody with half a heart is exempt from this. Not you, not me, not Beyonce.

It's usually the case that the only antidote to instantly recover from this torture is the loving reassurance from the person who has caused this shit in the first place. But thankfully (because sometimes it really does need to be over), that doesn't always happen and you are left to climb yourself out of the dumps all on your own. There are no words that will actually make that struggle disappear, but being a seasoned expert on relationship woes, I'm a little surprised that I haven't shared any of this yet.

Based on my own experiences, here are a few things that I try to remember:

Number One: It gets better. There is no possible way for you to believe this on your own when you're locked inside the shit-hole breakup garbage disposal. It seems completely unfathomable that you will ever be the same again, I know. But since you don't trust yourself, trust me; you WILL be okay. And it will get better.

Number Two: Do whatever it is that makes you feel better, as long as it's not destructive. People are always like: Stay busy, workout, be active, meditate, don't drink, don't get involved with anyone else right now, etc. etc. etc. Easier said than done. In the initial stages of the grieving process, being "active" sounds just as doable as giving birth to a chair. Impossible, right? If you want to drink a bottle and a half of wine all by yourself, do it. (Just put away your phone and your car keys). If you want to eat an entire pizza, do it. If you want to go on a date, DO IT. Spoil yourself. Enjoy the things that you are actually able to enjoy during a time like this. Just be careful of your own weaknesses and the temptation to mask one problem with another. I make these suggestions assuming that you aren't an alcoholic, don't have an eating disorder, body image issues, self-esteem issues, etc. These might only make your problem worse in that case. Just don't go play with fire with a book of matches glued to your forehead.

Number Three: Ignore books like "The Rules" and "Why Men Love Bitches." Books like these advocate a very obvious form of game-playing and cat-and-mouse type dating. Sure, men and women all love "the chase" and a lot of the tactics used in these books really do work. I can't lie about that. But the reasons why they work aren't the same reasons why you will fall head over heels, bat shit crazy in love with someone. Following these rules might very well prolong the interest of someone who might not have been genuinely interested in the first place, by deliberately messing with their psyche. However, if I had to guess, most of us want that sappy, whirlwind romance that we all hear about from time to time. This perfect, unadulterated love comes from being vulnerable, open and honest. [Side note: You also should know when to pick up on clear signs that the other person isn't into it, and count on that to happen. It means nothing about you or your worthiness. I repeat: It means NOTHING about you or your worthiness.] Be nothing other than yourself and don't be afraid to let someone in to your heart. You won't get it right on the first time or even the second time. But when you do, it's fucking glorious.

These are all extremely simplified suggestions to a much more complex issue but I whole-heartedly believe them to be applicable to pretty much anyone. Considering that I'm usually the pseudo-therapist friend to the women mentioned above, I felt it mandatory to share this here. Who knows how many other bazillion women are going through this exact thing. If you want to ask me anything else about this topic, I'd be happy to lend a virtual ear if I can - feel free to type me on Formspring.

xx

18 comments:

  1. Strong and true words! Another perfect outfit xx

    fashiontatt.blogspot.com

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  2. Life lessons, dude. Bookmarked for future reference. Kim Gordon's Tumblr (wedreamoficecream.tumblr.com) is good for positive self-affirmation post-break-up, too.
    X

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  3. Great outfit you look stunning!!
    I really enjoyed every minute of reading your thoughts and tips. I have been with my boyfriend for seven years and I pray that I never have to go through anything heartbreaking in my relationship, but if God forbid I do I will come back and read this again.

    xoxo
    annpaige

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  4. i don't even know what to say. i don't even have any more friends because of these same issues. miss u doll xo

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  5. i don't even know what to say. i've pushed everything away because of these issues. miss u doll xo

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  6. ps love the beanie cutoff look of course!

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  7. Selena, you have no idea how fucking badly I needed to hear this at this very moment. Seriously. Especially the end of number three. Thank you, really.

    xo
    Maddie

    http://littlestylebird.blogspot.com/

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  8. Ugh Im only 19 and I'm over relationships and can't even begin to imagine dating other guys. "Loving" someone indeed does take its tole on anyone and there can be great turmoil associated with it and also great happiness. Two extremes intrinsically linked. I couldn't agree more with the three things remember. Girl you are amazing and this was a great text post to read!

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  9. First- absolutely adore the green shirt and those rad shorts ^_^
    Second- Cheers to your post! Most of my younger years were spend crying over men, so I've been very consistent in my pathetic attempts to overcome all this shit. :D For me, only time helps..and video games.
    I read a book on love (no, not those kinds of books), it explained different reasoning behind falling in love, like hormones, "daddy issues", different psychological reactions.
    It explained everything in a cold, scientific tone and it really helped me to understand all those crappy feelings people are getting themselves into.

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  10. Selena, I love your blog not just for your fashion but you are one of the few bloggers with substance & wisdom to share.

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  11. love the outfit but i love more your words!
    you're such an inspiring babe!

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  12. My beautiful Selena,
    You're writing amazes me I love how you captured your thoughts and shared them with the world.
    Love,
    Proud Mom

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  13. you look insanely hot and your words are perfect to tatoo in my mind, doll. thanks!

    http://bohemiansbanquet.blogspot.com/

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  14. beautiful
    I invite you to visit my blog, you're very welcome <3
    www.derepentenaotemidade.com
    Super kiss and a great weekend .

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  15. coming to the blog and seeing the outfit post, i wasn't expecting the relationship text below.. good advice though, very wise! my friend is going through stuff with an on-off ex but she's doing quite well, i'm proud of her.

    and changing subject, this winter i'm on a mission for oversized beanies, i NEED some of dem!! x

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